OK, I'll ask...

... why do companies have such elaborate systems for applying for jobs? I'm not going to remember the password that has to have letters, and special characters, and numbers. I mean, seriously, how many different ways can I spell, "ILoveBunnySlippers?" Which is my password for everything. I'M APPLYING FOR ONE DAMN JOB!!!!!

... Not to mention that I'm uploading my resume and then filling out little blanks for what's supposed to be on the resume throughout the process. Why is this extra step necessary?

... why are all Taco Bell room temperature's kept at thirty-three degrees? Do they not have refrigerators, and are just leaving the food out?

... if you get rejected for a job, for some reason, I feel like this forever damns you from being able to apply for another job again. Am I crazy for thinking that?

... has anyone ever posted a job "confidentially" on a job board and then had the person they were secretly trying to place apply for it? This has had to have happened, right?

... every job has to suck of some reason, right? Pro athlete: you can't eating dinner be yourself with a parade of fans bugging you. Comedian: perpetual requests to be funny. Author: constant criticism. Anonymous blogger: paranoia... no pay.

... does anyone actually eat the cinnamon raisin bagel? It's always the last bagel on the tray. Can we agree to stop having them added to the batch that gets brought to work?

... do those companies that offer professional help with resumes and applying to jobs work? They seem like a scam to me, be they advertise everywhere.

How long is too long?

I play volleyball with someone who said that she spent too much time (11 years) at her first employer. She's been at her current employer for four years. And she said that 11 years was too long to stay at the first job. And I agree with that (that did sound a little over forever for a first job). But I'm wondering what that number is?

What's the threshold for being at an employer too long?

And what are the signs that the job you are in is the job that you should stay with for a while?

4 things I'm stunned people would rather have than money

When you buy something, what you are essentially saying is this: "I would rather have the item/service that I'm about to buy than money." Now, of course, some things are necessities: food, shelter, clothes, electricity, etc. But there are other things that I've seen people purchase/own that just befuddle me: you would rather have this than money? Really?

Here are four...

Cell phone rings that are music - as someone who does recruiting, I can't tell you how many times I'll call someone and here those nine little words, "please enjoy the music while your party is reached..." and then I'm treated to "Free Bird" or "Boom Boom Pow" or "Paralyzer" while my opinion of the general intelligence and professionalism of the candidate is being shaped. And I can't help but to think, "Instead of $2 per month (or whatever this costs) this person wants me to have Safety Dance blaring in my ear?" Perfect example, ex-employee, CokeMachine came by to pick up papers from me. Before he comes by, I call him to clarify something... and... "FREE BIRD!!!!!!" In chatting with CokeMachine, I discover that times are tough, he can't find work, and he's using my info to get state assistance. I felt like saying, "Hey, I can give you $24 per year and make you more marketable at the same time!"

Vanity license plates - Pigeon was a former co-worker of mine who I just didn't get along with. She hated working and life in general, and I wanted to see her get stuck in an elevator full of pigeons (her phobia) for several hours. Anyway, she told me time and again about the sums of money I wasted going out to lunch every day. I tried to ignore it as much as possible (though I'm pretty sure she got of a tell-off or ninety-seven courtesy of me). Then one day she came in talking about her great new car. Our group went to see it. The car was covered with sh!t, including, but not limited to: several bumper stickers, fuzzy dice, a bead back-rest thingy, a steering wheel cover, and a vanity license plate that served as a double entendre for her love of weed. Yet, I was wasting money feeding myself.

Tattoos - I have an employee who wants to discuss two things: his low-pay and overall lack of having money, and his next tattoo. This guy has one sleeve tattoo, and an outline of something involving a dragon, a centaur, and a bikini clad woman who couldn't physiologically exist on his leg. But on the flip side, money's tight.

Top of the line cell phone - now I love gadgets, but I don't need to have a combo MP3 Player/Phone/Camera/Weapon that costs $700. Lumberjack has something that I don't think airport security would let onto a plane. On the flip side, Lumberjack has had his back account cleaned out... twice (according to him, "the bank totally f*cked me over"), and has had three bank judgments levied against him that I get stuck taking out of his paycheck.

5 Networking Rules

I had a networking-connection-generated interview totally backfire on me. I had a phone interview and killed it. The interviewer loved me. I felt great. They had scheduled 30 minutes, the phone interview ended at 50 minutes. Great signs all around...

... until ...

... the question, "How much do you want to make?" was asked. Now, my networking contact gave me a range he believed they'd be willing to pay. Which is what I was looking to make. So I confidentally pitch out the number. Thank you... and... good niiiiiiiiii...

... WHAT?!?!?!?!

... What the hell just happened?

... What's that gasp on your end of the conversation for?

... Why do you suddenly sound tense?

... F*CK! The number was to damn high. I just freaking embarrassed myself. This isn't my fault. NETWORKING CONTAAAAAAAAACT!

As I sat there realizing what happened, I was stunned. How did this go so wrong so quickly? Basically a massive WTF happened as I realized I was going to have to go back to DeltaHouse in the morning sans hope... again.

But it also got me thinking about networking. There are no rules to networking. There's etiquette, but no real actual rules. So I'm going to take a shot at some rules to networking. Here's five that I came up with...

DISCLAIMER: PLEASE feel free to agree, disagree, add, update, or delete these rules. Maybe this could be THE preeminent networking list of rules.

By networking with a person, I signify that I understand the following...

1) ... unless we've been friends for a while, that any contact from you will be related to growing your business, job contacts, or promoting something for your business.

2) ... The Godfather Rule applies. In the movie The Godfather a man (Enzo? The baker? Was that has name?) asks Don Corleone for a favor (no, not Johnny Fontaine, the first guy). Don Corleone agrees to the request and in return he says that there could be a day - but this day may never come - where the Don asks for a favor in return, and the favor must be granted immediately. This rule applies to networking, if I ask you to do me a favor. And later on (years from then, even) if you ask me to do a favor, I'm honor-bound to do such a favor. And vice versa.

3) ... If something goes bad (interview, business deal, etc.), and I messed it up, I owe you an explanation and an apology. You put your neck out there for me, and I messed it up. Let's be professional here. The same is true in reverse. I'd love my networking contact to explain to me WTF happened with the phone interview, but no dice. He's been in hiding. I'd rather just hear what happened. I'm not mad, I just want closure.

4) ... If the networking contact produce something for you (a job, a business deal, a new connection, a new friend, etc.) you owe them a thanks. It could be a thank you note. If it's a job or a business deal, I'd hope it'd be more. If the networking contact's job interview hook-up had paid off, I was prepared to send a few bottles of wine over to him at his office as a thanks. And if any job comes through a networking contact, I'll gladly get somebody some wine courtesy of the VHRG!

Ways you could be losing your employees

I was at a networking event recently, and in the chaos that these events tend to be, I found a group of people that I generally liked, and to a person each of us said something to the effect of, "as soon as the economy picks up, I'm gone." Turns out there's a mini-nation of VHRG's out there looking to do the same thing as this VHRG (third person... BOOM!). Reasons for the desire to move ran the gamut: money, fresh start, tired of the company, tired of the people, never any good news, beat down, etc.

But along these lines, the topic turned to what could be (or could have been, if they were as far gone as me - trust me, met a few, even at companies that I think wouldn't be too bad to work for) to save these orators, poets, and statesmen of HR. Here's some of the stuff that we came us with...

1) Spending money - GASP! Times are tough, VHRG! There is no money! True. But I'm not talking about raises or bonuses. I'm talking about a party. I'm talking about a social gathering where people remember that we are- first and foremost - people. I have two friends in the hotel industry, they are convinced that the year-end party is a dinosaur at this point. Find a place and get a deal and spend a little to have a good time. If employee say, "I'd rather just have a raise." The response is, "It's this party or nothing. What do you choose?"

2) Not checking on your employees - This is to the end of not verbally pumping up employees. Many companies think that a review equals a raise. Incorrect. A review (especially a positive one) even without a raise could make employees feel at least as if the work they are doing counts for something and is being noticed.

3) Not updating the employees - What is the company doing to try to get new business? What suggestions do you have for business success? How is the company doing? Let get everything out on the table. Have ideas of how to grow business? Bring it on!

4) Reminding them that the job market and economy sucks - Tell them that they are lucky to even still miraculously be employed while you're at it (Punk Rock HR, nailed this last week). Then kick their dog. That'll drum up loyalty real quick.

5) Not having fun - Create your own fun. Contests. Games. Parties. Come up with something, anything that you could do to make the current work situation suck less. Your goal needs to be to return the smiles to the company (even if it's for 30 minutes).

Halloween: Work Style!

I decided on a vampire for Halloween. And no, the VHRG (went third person on you again... BOOM!) isn't talking about the Twilight vampires. I'm talking old school black cape, pasty skin, fangs, slicked back hair, and blood trailing down the chin.

OK, I want to have the list! Give it to me. I want to know what Halloween costumes you've seen at work. What was awesome? What crossed the line? What revealed too much about a person?

I want to know what costumes you've had to send people home because it showed a little too much.

I want to know about people who weren't at all aware of their body type.

I want to know if someone dressed like another employee, and how that went.

I'll post the best comments as their own posting. I think this could be a lot of fun.

More weird stuff that happened to me at work...

... I quit a job to work for another company, in the same building. So I basically just dropped down a few floors in an office building. However, for six months after I stopped working at the first company, the HR Manager there would tell me she had a project for me to work on, and would ask if I could see her that afternoon. I always said, "No problem."

... I had a boss that would buy anything a vendor tried to sell her, so long as they took her to dinner (and drinks... lots and lots of drinks). We had two HRIS systems because of this.

... I had someone ask my marital status in a job interview. Thank goodness I got the job. I think my first thought would have been to sue if I didn't.

... I worked with someone who sneezed so loud, I could hear her on the other end of the office.

... I had a manager who had a meeting with us. After she left, we closed the door and met ourselves to figure out responsibilities for the project she assigned. Realizing that we had a closed door, the manager came back in to clarify something, then left with the door to the room open. We closed it again. She then came back to say something else, then left leaving the door open. We closed it again. She then just opened the door and left. Clearly we weren't allowed to have a closed-door meeting.

... I was doing a phone interview, StoneCold knocked on the door. I motion through the tiny window that I was on the phone. StoneCold nodded in understanding, and then stood there staring at me until I was done with the phone interview. The critically urgent matter: He wanted to hand me a doctor's note for yesterday's absence. The company paid him $5.90 to do that, I did the math.

What's really going to spark the job market...

... OK, so I used to think that about a year from now, you are going to see a massive game of musical chair where throngs of people would go from job to job in a six month period because of...

a) The natural order of things. People just leave jobs. Think back five years ago, how many people are still at those companies. At SoulCrush, there are two in my group of eight that are still there.

b) People are blaming the messenger. Even if their company wasn't responsible for the crappy condition the company is in (economic conditions/bad luck/poor management), it doesn't matter, they're pissed, and they need a fresh start. They blame the company for pay-cut/no raises, increased workloads, decreased friends at work, decreased happiness at work, etc.

c) The natural throngs of re-hiring that companies would do when the economy bounced back. The ides was that if you had one person doing the job of three, then you would expect the company to add at least one more person to help.

I no longer think that these things are going to be what pulls the job market back up to where it ought to be.

I think two things are going to shepherd the job market back to proposerity...

1) The increase in green technologies. No one cared nearly as much five years ago, even two years ago as they do now on the being green. There will be green jobs created that will start a bit of light shifting in the job market that might free some opportunities up in the job market.

2) And more importantly: the stock market. The stock market was at 14,000 points at it's height before the badness that occurred. Then the, "My 401-k is now a 201-K" jokes started flying. But if the stock market can scratch 14,000 again, my thought is that the Baby Boomers - many of whom were thinking of calling it a career at some point between 2008 and 2014 - will start re-considering retirement as a possibility when the stock market is back up to the level that is was when they were in that frame of mind. Now that they don't have to work anymore... they won't. And they'll leave. And then those jobs will get created.

HOWEVER, this doesn't necessarily mean that all Baby Boomers that thought of retiring will be able to do so. Many of them will have to work past the 14,000 re-climb because they've gotten stuck having to empty their 401-k's in order to make ends meet.

Just a thought, feel free to ridicule.

When Life and Work Collide...

There's been talk about work/life balance a lot lately. HR Happy Hour even discussed "work/life blend" a few podcasts ago. I think this is 100% correct. People that get offended about the idea of "work/life blend" still think that work looks like when Ward would come home on Leave it to Beaver, talk breifly about getting the Peterson Account and you would never hear anything more because Eddie Haskel just complemented Ms. Cleaver's rack.. of lamb.

If you don't understand the above reference it is because it came from a TV show from the 1950's when people were expected to leave work at work and home at home and that was that.

Now you are thinking about work at home and home at work. Everyone has an office phone, cell phone, three email accounts, Facebook, Twitter, and the ability to check any one of these things at any time all the time.

Enter the work/life blend.

The bad side of the work/life blend is this story from DeltaHouse...

NotReadyForLife was overwhelmed by work. She had just entered the working world, and the need to meet deadlines, and the requirement of showing up to work got in the way of her social life in a big way. Not to mention that her family was simply happy that she was employed (and occasionally called me in case FireHydrant was a meanie to her).

I think the main reason I blog is because I've been in enough companies where this sort of stuff just doesn't happen, and would NEVER happen, and could never happen. Because I know that a good company (even a mediocre one) runs much, much, MUCH better than DeltaHouse does. Because I know that half of the long-term employees at DeltaHouse would get killed in a job interview because of their personality issue that I "just have to understand" that so-and-so is crazy/racist/sexist/angry/on his meds/off her meds/lonely/horny/cranky/caffeinated/a jackass/dumb/makes poor life decisions/mean/quiet and I have to be flexible around that and just deal with it.

Anyway, I'm walking through the office to talk to LikeableQuietGirl, and I notice that NotReadyForLife is stoically puffy-eyed-and-crying. And being that I've already had to hear about how PrettyFatGirl is mean to her, I really don't want to know what she's crying over. This is sad, I know. This is also the part where you accuse me of being a sh!tty HR person.

But she didn't come to me, she's just sitting there crying. LikeableQuietGirl walks with me back to my office and says that NoyReadyForLife is crying because her parents called her fifteen minutes ago and told her they had to put her dog to sleep!!!!!!!! It is 2:30 in the afternoon. This couldn't wait until she got home? This is critical information that she needed at that moment? This ruined her work for a solid week. It made half of DeltaHouse way uncomfortable, and for what? A piece of non-urgent-yet-important piece of information that could have waited.

Cheers to Ben Eubanks

So my guy Ben Eubanks took a few minutes to talk about the VHRG. (I just went third-person on you... BOOM!) And he had questioned the leadership at DelatHouse and TheBoss, as the primary reason for my disenchantment at DeltaHouse. And he hit the nail on the head for me. Allow me to explain using an example from this week.

MiddlePart needs a new person. A good person. The right person. I know MiddlePart needs this person. I like MiddlePart (other than a middle part that would make Dwight Schrute jealous) so this is going to be fun for me. Find someone good... I love finding someone good. For some reason, no one at DeltaHouse has a budget that they can spend. Basically, you have you ask your boss (in my case, TheBoss) for clearance to spend money. Typically the decision is made based on how serious he perceives the needs to be and if there is money. I inform MiddlePart of this and cringe as I do it because I know what TheBoss is going to say at the suggestion of spending money on a job posting... "Can't you post on Craig's List for free?"

Which is exactly what his email said two hours later when he responded. TheBoss doesn't get the VHRG's back, the VHRG tried to hire without getting enough candidates, MiddlePart makes a hire he's not too excited about, the hire has a higher probability of failing because the process that TheBoss wanted to do was cheap and sucked, MiddlePart has a bad feeling about the hire and if the hire falters, he'll be out. Crappy leadership.

Moral of the story: If you have a good leader and a good culture, hold on to it with both hands, and never let go.

4 Types of People that Will Ruin Lunch

First thing's first, I'm going to be on the HR Happy Hour podcast on Thursday (live), or Friday (podcasted). Check it out. I'm going to tell some stories I wrote about already. And some new ones too. Back to the article.

The group lunch, the most ridiculous social experiment in the history of work. You and people that you kinda like are about to go out to lunch together. Here are the people that are going to go with you for lunch...

No Veggie Guy
This guy doesn't want any vegetables... ever. If it's green and he's eating it, it's cookie icing. His hamburger has only cheese, meat, and maybe ketchup on it. If you ask him why he has made such a lifestyle choice, he reacts like a vegetarian.

No Ethnic Food Guy
(by the way, "guy" is just easier to write. Feel free to assume I mean both genders). This person is afraid of any kind of ethnic food. And no, I don't mean the questionable Indian food buffet down the street. No Ethnic Food Guy doesn't want spaghetti or tacos, or any of that other "foreign food."

The Vegetarian
This person is scary. They go to lunch, sip diet soda, and ask for a side of rice. Then blather on about how this was the only option available to them to eat. Before lunch they "didn't care" about where you were going to go. Now that the group picked, you are treated to stories about how the cows that went into the burger you are currently eating... nevermind. You didn't want to know the first time.

The Creature of Habit
This person only wants to go the place you've been going every day for the past past seven years and order the same sandwich/salad/dish that they've always ordered. They get the shakes when you suggest going to a new place, because that new place isn't the same place you've been going to forever. And if you get lunch at the new place, that means you're not going to the same place you've been going to forever.

Weird Question...

... How frequently should one look online for a job? Daily? Weekly? Does anyone know of a site that I might not be thinking about?

Halloween Costume Ideas? Anybody?

For some reason, DeltaHouse feels the need to have people dress up for Halloween. For even strangers reason last year, we fired a girl on Halloween. Imagine someone dressed and made up exactly like The Joker from The Dark Knight letting you go... it happened. That's the last time I call in sick on Halloween. So anyway, I need an idea for Halloween. And I figure that being that I'm the perceived black hole of all that is good and pure at DeltaHouse I ought to dress the part. Any ideas? I was thinking devil or vampire.

My (semi) irrational hatred of Subway

Subway... eat fresh!

Taste nothing!

I can't stand Subway. It's a lunch option that I pass every single day. Any time I think it's a good idea to eat there and I go, I immediately regret it.

Subway is horrible.

First, the gap between the pictures of the food and the food you actually get is insane. The commercials make the food look delicious. What you actually get looks like it could give you diphtheria.

Second, zero taste. Only at Subway could you get a meatball sub and be stuck in a debate with yourself heading back to work as to whether or not you actually consumed food during your lunch. I believe this is because of the "meat" that is available at subway. If you got these "meats" from your favorite deli, it wouldn't be your favorite deli anymore. It has no flavor. Don't believe me? Get a 6-inch sub with your favorite roast beef/turkey/ham, with whatever you get on it, and then get a veggie sub with the same ingredients and tell me if you notice the difference.

Third, yes, it healthy, but the healthy subs are the same ones that taste the worst. But this isn't going to be a riff about health. Heaven knows that more fast food places should strive to offer better choices. This is about the options that you have to make the food taste better. To keep the sandwich healthy, you can put mustard, spices, or... mustard on the sandwich. The other option is toast the sub the the oven. For 20 seconds of overheating, your sandwich will come out semi-hot and smelling like someone lit a dumpster on fire.

Finally, the staff that typically is employed at these places tend to look like they are waiting for a call from the governor to stop the execution. I understand that when we were kids exactly zero of us said, "I want to make below mediocre sandwiches at a chain restaurant." But could you at least lie to me and fake like you actually want to be there. The rest of the working has to do it. Subway should be an exception.

By the way, with the chips, the drink, and the antidote, that'll be $8.59.

Three Work Products/Services That Are Truly Needed

OK, I really wish there were certain things that you could have or do at work, that you just can't. Because of laws... but, mainly etiquette... and propriety.

1) Pimp my Cubicle - Ever since Pimp my Ride came out (it isn't still out, is it? That show was like Celebrity Deathmatch, cool, but eventually we got the point), but picture a service that could put what ever you want in your office/cube. Wall-sized computer monitors. Trap doors. Couches. Wall safes instead of locking file cabinets.

2) De-Pimp their Cubicle - Do you have co-worker who still has the same picture of her kids or cats from six years ago? Venting HR Parents still have my high school picture in their offices. But still, let's make the point that you are looking at their workspace too. It's not just about them. You have to look at the cat-len-dar, and their oriental rug that is inexplicably in their space. Next day, they come in to: neon lights and a disco ball!

3) Anonymous Hate Mail - Have an employee that is driving you nuts about a specific thing? Here's where you get to have your say while making them think that the conspiracy is that much more. Send them anonymous hate mail. HarleyGuy can come to work with an email saying, "Hey HarleyGuy, exactly zero people care about the time you and your other geriatric friends went to a biker bar 40 miles away. You are holding people hostage with your conversations." Solves a problem. Go to collegehumor.com and read Roomate Confession for your on free ideas.

Random Ramblings of HR Blog Post

I have nothing great to post with tonight. No long story of anything. I have a few that I'm sitting on, but I don't have it in me to write them tonight. But I have a few rambling thoughts. Mostly HR/employment realted.

In case you haven't figure it out by now, I am really bad at opening paragraphs. Like brutally, painfully bad. Like remedial English class bad.

I think that people act like the job that they are in now is the job and they are going to have forever. I believe that's a survival tactic. But think about it, if you you decided that this isn't where you were going to be forever, would you try to make friends? Would you care about long term assignments? Nope.

I forgot to add to Friday's post of weird stuff that happened to me at work (see below), that I once once involved in a bizarre, yet heated, lunchroom table turf war with a group of secretaries that averaged 300 pounds and a pack of cigarettes per day. My strategy was to out-live them.

Similar thought to the one above: I actually watched an entire season of The Simpsons on DVD at work during a day when the VIP's were at a golf outing and I was one of the remaining four people NOT cool enough to go on the golf outing.

I've recently read articles about how the economy is causing more and more depression. Lesson: be a psychiatrist. Just kidding (man, that was just a terrible joke.). But I can see it at DeltaHouse, it's sad. We used to joke, and have fun together. Well, not "me" in the "we", but still. I think people at DeltaHouse notice this, but don't notice it.

If you have a good boss, keep them (as much as possible)! I have yet to have a good boss (the best I had was "average" as told to me by UtopiaSavior), and I've been working since Bill Clinton was president. Good bosses care about you, teach you, and want the best for you - in exchange, you break your ass for them, and work to make them look good.

Weird Stuff That Has Happened to Me at Work

Lots of people have had strange things that have happened to them at work. Here are some of mine...

I once had a manager take her team out to dinner to a fancy steak and sushi place. We ordered drinks and then I notice that there were no menus be given out. Instead massive trays of sushi were brought out. VHRG's lifetime sushi experience up to that point: zero.

I had a boss who would quarterly host parties at her house. No music. No TV. Just drinking and her awful cooking. Why not say you had plans? Because she kept track of your vacation days and knew if you were really skipping town. You have someone coming in town to visit? Bring them along. SLOW DEATH.

I had a boss literally stand over my shoulder and watch me work. Her record: 93 minutes. Previous record: 81 minutes. Times I debated conjuring gas to pass during both records: 6.

The president of a company I worked at kept calling me, "Vince." My name isn't Vince, by the way, it isn't even close. But he's the president, so...

The same president would take time during Christmas (right before raise time) to inform us that the company didn't do that well this year. Totally unrelated, he would be driving a brand new car in February.

For that president, we had a Christmas gift collection that we were "strongly encouraged" to donate money toward (so the guy who doesn't need money has money collected for him for a gift). We would go present him with the gift. And in return, he would give us war stories from Vietnam for an hour. I'll take this time to mention that our IT guy was from Vietnam.

I don't know why I'm on the polite kick, but...

At a previous job, a boss I had would stand at my cube opening/non-wall (directly behind me) and wait for me to notice he was there. Usually, that took about a minute. Any longer than that and the boss started breathing hard through his nose (with a nose whistle, did I mention he has a long mustache that fluttered when he breathed? It's more ridiculous that way, but still true, and funny. Let just move on.) to let me know he was there. I finally took this as an insult that this person couldn’t take the time to figure out my name, or have the human decency to do the fake-knock, or say, "Hey VHRG." So the next time it happened, I let the boss stand there breathing hard.

Why?

Because the guy couldn’t call bring himself to call me by name. Anyway, I wanted to let him stand there and see breathe hard waiting for me to notice. Ten minutes later, I finally turned around. The guy looked like he was about the hyperventilate.

Why can't we...?

Going off of yesterday's post I kept thinking about this idea of being more honest and less nice. Why can't we? Why can't we as HR people be truthful?

When I was in college, my friends used to take every decline letter that I received (and I literally covered one wall in my apartment with decline letters) and "interpret them" for me. So if a letter said, "We truly enjoyed meeting you. However, at this time we have made the decision to pursue other candidates." My friends would write, "We truly enjoyed meeting you (we needed a candidate to laugh at to break up a day of monotony). However, at the times we have made the decision to (find people who don't suck at life. Please work anywhere else. Preferably a place that involves you not working near our employees that might get dumber from being near you.)."

Believe it or not, if I got a decline letter like that, I'd be psyched. HONESTY! Thank you for telling me that I didn't meet your standard. Thank you for telling me what I lacked in a candidate that you were wanting.

Why can't we do this with our candidates or employees?

I have an employee, Angry, that calls me three times a week to yell at me about insurance. Why do I not say to him, "Angry, I'm going to hang out the phone, feel free to call me back when you are calm and want to have a respectful, calm conversation like a mature adult with decency?" Why shouldn't I do that? Why should I take the yelling from this guy?

Why can't I say to the employee, "the reason you didn't get the promotion is because we tested you, and the test said you weren't smart enough to handle the work necessary for the position?" Or "your reputation as a lazy employee prohibited you from getting this job?"

Why can't you to the candidate, "the reason I'm not going to select you for the interview is because every day at 10:20am you call to ask me if I've received your resume. And frankly, I think meeting you would be obnoxious and irritating?"

Why is lying necessary? Or being less than 100% honest? Why provide false hope? Why not just say it?

Yes, you'll insult people. But is it insulting if it is honest?

The Work Version of He's Just Not That Into You

I've had a few people quit DeltaHouse lately. And we have had to replace that talent with other people. And believe me, we look at the throngs of people that we have RIF'd to see if they can fill the need. But there are some employees that we are never bringing back.

EVER.

HotSauce is one of these employees. He used to make widgets... slowly. He missed work for crappy reasons. And he was the first employee that we thought, "Yeah, he's got to go."

After SlimShady and Barrel quit, HotSauce calls me. He's been off work from us for almost a year. He tells me that he's heard that we were looking for people. And that he's (shockingly) available.

I hem and haw, and dance around the issue. And somehow get him off the phone. But I don't insult him. I wonder if I should have.

What would have the harm been if I told the guy, "HotSauce, you just weren't that good when you were here. That's why we won't bring you back?"

PROS: It's honest. It's direct. It gets the point across. It eliminates hope that he might have that he'll work at DeltaHouse again. He'll never call me again.

CONS: He could call TheBoss and tell him what a meanie I was to him; followed by the subsequent visit from TheBoss explaining that I was a meanie and the speech that says that I shouldn't be mean. Kicking a man who's been unemployed for a year while he's down isn't exactly going to the list of Top Ten Best Moment of Being a Human Being in my life. He might come down and shoot me.

How do my HR people handle this situation?