Warning: Crazy, Politically Incorrect, Bathroom-Humor-Filled Post coming*

* - don't read this post if you offend easily.

I don't even know what to title this other than what I did. I was super slap-happy today. It was triggered from getting three calls in an hour from three different staffing agencies. And all three conversation went exactly the same way...

VHRG: Hello?!
StaffingRep: Hi VHRG, this is StaffingRep from StaffingAgency, how are you?
VHRG: (sigh, eye-roll, barely audible groan) Fine, you?
StaffingRep: Fantastic thank you. Hey listen, I remembered that you were talking about adding a person somewhere in your facility. Do you know if you (getting more hopeful) really need one yet?
VHRG: Not really.
StaffingRep: (Letdown) Oh... well... y'know StaffingAgency is a full-service organization and if you are in need of admin staff or skilled labor we have the best candidates.
VHRG: Great, thanks!
StaffingRep: (as if I never added the verbal filler) Our rates are blah percent for temp-to-hire and blah percent for payrolling.
VHRG: (sounding totally disinterested) Gotcha.
StaffingRep: (extra chipper finish) Can I call you next week to check in on any other needs?
VHRG: (pause, what am I supposed to say, "F*ck you, NO?") I guess.
StaffingRep: Super! Looking forward to talking to you next week.
VHRG: Great, bye! (CLICK)

Now, I get that staffing agency reps are forced to make a certain amount of calls per day, take notes, and log their calls, with the notes, so they can prove to their bosses that they did work that day. But it has also occured to me that I didn't need to say anything in the conversation, and it probably would have gone the same way....

VHRG: Hello?!
StaffingRep: Hi VHRG, this is StaffingRep from StaffingAgency, how are you?
StaffingRep: Fantastic thank you. Hey listen, I remembered that you were talking about adding a person somewhere in your facility. Do you know if you (getting more hopeful) really need one yet?
StaffingRep: (Letdown) Oh... well... y'know StaffingAgency is a full-service organization and if you are in need of admin staff or skilled labor we have the best candidates.
StaffingRep: Our rates are blah percent for temp-to-hire and blah percent for payrolling.
StaffingRep: (extra chipper finish) Can I call you next week to check in on any other needs?
StaffingRep: Super! Looking forward to talking to you next week.
(CLICK)

See, nothing different.

Then I thought about what if I came up with the craziest, most sociopathic things I could think of to say. I'm pretty sure that their end wouldn't change as they would still have to say their shpiel in order to plunk in the notes in the computer system to please the boss. Just once I want to torture a staffing rep and just start saying these things...

VHRG: Hello?!
StaffingRep: Hi VHRG, this is StaffingRep from StaffingAgency, how are you?
VHRG: Much better after burying my face in a small mountain of cocaine.
StaffingRep: Fantastic thank you. Hey listen, I remembered that you were talking about adding a person somewhere in your facility. Do you know if you (getting more hopeful) really need one yet?
VHRG: Got any midgets strippers that can poop gold? Otherwise, no.
StaffingRep: (Letdown) Oh... well... y'know StaffingAgency is a full-service organization and if you are in need of admin staff or skilled labor we have the best candidates.
VHRG: I'm a huge American Psycho Patrick Bateman fan, so much so that I have a human head in my freezer. Want a picture of it? What's your email?
StaffingRep: (as if I never added the verbal filler) Our rates are blah percent for temp-to-hire and blah percent for payrolling.
VHRG: I never wash my hands after I pee when I know you are coming in. This means you've touched - and perhaps consumed - my urine.
StaffingRep: (extra chipper finish) Can I call you next week to check in on any other needs?
VHRG: Generally you have been calling during the time of day where I poop. Yesterday I set off the smoke alarms with the fumes that I produced. Today I'm going to try to crack the bowl.
StaffingRep: Super! Looking forward to talking to you next week.
VHRG: Great, bye! (CLICK)