Five People Playing on Your Company's Co-Ed Softball Team

To my readers outside of the US/Canada (and I have quite a few), I apologize for making a more North American centric post today.

Ah, the company softball team. Nothing says "creepy American work dynamic", than your company's softball team. This is a place where the best ten players don't necessarily play. Where the person with the highest rank can play whatever position they want (regardless of their ability). And virtually every ten-player team has the follow five players.

The Stud

Looks Like: He could pull a telephone pole out of the ground one-handed.

Works In: Well, let's just say that it's not a department involving a lot of math.

Game line: 3-4, 3 HR*, 7 RBI, 3 Runs scored, climbed the wall to rob two home runs.
* - hit a fourth over-the-wall, but the league limited home runs to three per team per game.

Who are they? They played college baseball, maybe even minor league baseball for a little while. And he probably got hired by someone in the company to expressly play for the softball team, just to beat those jerks across town. Somewhere deep-down he knows this, but hey, it'll at least keep him employed through the summer.

Softball Guy
Looks Like: A professional baseball player. Has every softball related gadget. A man possessed.

Awesome pants, man! Even striking out, you look good.

Works In: Any position that doesn't have anyone reporting to him. But if he doesn't do his job, the company will surely crumble. Yells at people on the phone for not understanding his to-go order.

Game line: 1-2*, Single, Walk, one run scored.
* - Ejected in the fifth inning for arguing balls and strike with the ump that is out to get him.

Who are they? He thinks that he's just as good as The Stud. He's the captain of the team. He yells at everyone about team intensity. He demands to have a seven-step handshake with The Stud and talks to him with phrases like, "You and I are gonna take the bastards out today." He yells at co-workers for missing plays (even though only about two of them know who is his). He's also the guy who keeps statistics and applies them to game-time strategies.

The Babe

Looks Like: (VHRG NOTE: any attempt at finding a picture that I wasn't totally embarrassed to put on this site failed miserably. You should know what she looks like anyway.)

Works In: Anywhere in your company where a hot chick works.

Game line: 0-4, 4 strikeouts. In her first at-bat, she held the bat at the wrong end.

Who are they? Hot... just, hot. And someone on the team convince her to play solely to see her in shorts. They enjoy being the pretty one at work. And they are going to try softball, and their new short shorts. If she plays well, great, but she's just hoping to have someone buy her a free beer.

The Boss

Looks Like: A fish out of water. Wears a polo shirt to play (y'know, casual wear).

Let's play softball! Y'know I'm a regular Stan Musial! You know Stan the Man, right? He showed the Milwaukee Braves who's boss. The Braves are still in Milwaukee right?

Works In: The corner office, and he fits in. He knows you. Your Joe, right?

Game line: 0-3, 1 strikeout, 1 ground ball back to the pitcher, one trip and fall running out a single. LAUGH AND YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!!!!

Who Are They? This is his way of getting to know the players on the team. This is his first game of the year (even though your team is 2-3 already). He's wondering if the counter at the softball park can make him a Tom Collins. Frequently discusses having his Mercedes in the shop (and how frustrating it can be to have to downgrade to his wife's Infiniti). Just smile and laugh and schedule another business trip for him for next week... and the week after.

The Out-of-Shape Player

Looks Like: The last time they tired anything athletic, Barry Bonds was a skinny kid playing for the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Works In: The office next the exit for the smoke break/Starbucks escape. They have a standing two Big Mac order at McDonald's.

Game line: 1-1, single, run scored (well, crawled across home plate counts, right?), sat the rest of the game to catch their breath.

Who are they? They are the person that thinks that they are going to get laid off every single day. They also want to do the social thing and play, but they forgot that the physical act of waddling around the bases might cause a heart attack.