Taunting the WidgetKing

The WidgetKing and I are as decent friends as an HR person can allow himself to be with someone. We have Clerks-movie-esque conversations pretty regularly where there is minimal room for breaks in conversation between my comment and his response.

WidgetKind needed to fire TheFace. TheFace has this face he makes when he works that looks like extreme concentration (or something else… we’ll just go with concentration and move on). Anyway, a few chat about TheFace’s performance – with no results, WidgetKing came to me saying it was time for TheFace to go.

I asked him if he wanted me there when he did it.

WidgetKing: “No.”
VHRG: “No?”
WidgetKing: “It’s not necessary.”
VHRG: “It’s not necessary?”
WidgetKing: “I can handle it myself.”
VHRG: “You can handle it yourself?”
WidgetKing: “CUT IT OUT!”
VHRG: “Fine, you sure?”
WidgetKing: “Yes.”
VHRG: “My boy’s all grows up! When are you doing it?”
WidgetKing: “Five o’clock.”
VHRG: “OK, I’ll hang behind and get a report of the aftermath. Let’s practice.”
WidgetKing: “Practice what?”
VHRG: “Practice what you are going to say.”
WidgetKing (uber-serious): “TheFace, we’ve talked about your performance in the past couple of months. I’m not seeing improvement, and I think it is best for all involved if today is your last day.”
VHRG: “Perfect! Go forth, and do battle.”

(at 5:15pm WidgetKing resurfaces)

VHRG: “How did it go?”
WidgetKing: “I didn’t do it.”
VHRG: “What?!?!?!”
WidgetKing: “I couldn’t.”
VHRG: “Why?!?!?!?!”
WidgetKing: “He said he was really working on something, and he thought he was making progress.”
VHRG: “YOU WIMP!”
WidgetKing: “What?”
VHRG: “If he hadn’t figured it out after two disciplinary talks, do you really think this is magically going to turn around?”
WidgetKing: “Uh…”
VHRG: “Let me ask you this, do you think he’s going to make it?”
WidgetKing: (after a pause) “Well…”
VHRG: “That’s a ‘no’!”
WidgetKing: “Maybe he will turn it around.”
VHRG: “And maybe I will go to The Olympics for curling. You wimp! You should have canned him. Now you gave him false hope.”
WidgetKing: “What?”
VHRG: “He thinks you two are cool now! You should have kicked him in the nuts, and it would have ended better. You sent him mixed signals. If you can him soon… like… tomorrow, or the end this week, he’s going to be really pissed.”
WidgetKing: “I’ll fire him next week.”
VHRG: “Is that your code for giving him a neck rub?”
WidgetKing: (groans)
Up until TheFace got fired, I pretty much waited for every meeting with WidgetKing’s closed doors, and stood in the door window, and made TheFace’s face.

WidgetKing got that deer-in-headlights look the first few times I did that. Then he became great at discreetly flipping me the bird.

TheFace must’ve taken the hints from WidgetKing, he wound up leaving about two weeks later.