In a recent employee survey, I read this... "We don't have money like the VHRG does, he doesn't understand what our lives are like."
This appalled me for two reasons... 1) Screw you, I went to school, and worked hard to get where I am. 2) HR doesn't pay as well as you think.
But after further reflection, I decided to figure out what the average Delta thinks the VHRG's life is like. Here's what I've got...
6:45am - Wake up in my 8 bedroom, 9 bathroom mansion/commuter-home. Look at the picture of the 15 bedroom, 20 bathroom plantation palatial estate that I really live in and sigh as I miss the place, and relish living in my commuter sh!thole.
7:00am - After collecting the phone numbers of the dozens of models/actresses off the floor that fell out of my pocket, I decide to shower.
7:10am - In the shower, I decide which employee hasn't felt the wrath of the VHRG, and deem that employee as the one to smote.
7:20am - Jeeves, my alternate butler - Simmons has the day off - meets me with a towel and gives me an old-fashioned shave with a straight razor.
7:30am - After getting dressed in Italian silk, I run downstairs to have breakfast: a smoothie made from the dreams of former employees and the tears of orphans.
8am - Finish watching Punky Brewster. I never miss a re-run. Then I get into my Aston Martin and drive to work.
8:30am - Arrive at work where Natasha, the massage therapist/model gives me a backrub.
10am - I throw a dart at the employee roster, and land on the name of the employees that's going to have a hard life today.
10:30am - Change into my Darth Vader outfit and meet with the doomed employee.
10:45am - After making the employee pee himself, and cry. I evilly laugh and call for lightning to hit the employee.
12-noon - I poison every employee's lunch.
1pm - I drink a Dr. Pepper.
2pm - And employee comes to me with a problem. I activate the trap door in my office and he lands ten miles away in an alligator-ridden swamp.
3pm - I cut everyone's pay and funnel in into my own account.
4pm - I cut out early, but not before I gleefully slash every employee's tires on the way to my car.
5pm - Dinner at the HR Persons Country Club where we freely exchange ideas on how to ruin other people's lives because, we are HR, that's what we do.
7pm - Go clubbing while driving my nighttime Bentley, the daytime Bentley is on deck for tomorrow.
1am - After collecting phone numbers of models/actresses for six hours, I get bored and go to White Castle. Then I call it a day.
2am - Check my account balance, to make sure that my paycheck of $266,532.19 made it in to my account. Go to sleep.
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2 comments:
VHRG: That is awesome!! But it is a so painfully correct portrayal of what employees think of us as HR people. What you have put in for employees though is more than what my employees believe that even do yet make the same pay you do. Yet when I ask an employee if they would like to trade jobs with me for a day, you'd think I asked them to cut off their hand and they say no, thanks!! "THEN BACK OFF!" is what I would like to tell them but don't because I need to keep my job for the time being too!
I want you to come work with me. Please?
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