Four Workplace Zombies

Zombies, the walking undead at work. They are the people that are going through something major in life right now, and they are just... not... that... into... work. You are asking about a project or a piece of work that is going on, and they respond with a nonsensical compilation of words.

Y'know the type...

Vacation Zombie
Signs - They are burnt out. They are tired of working. They are tired of their TPS reports. And the only thing keeping them for throwing you out the window right now, is that they are looking forward to a week in California and putting you out the window would result in criminal charges that would prevent the trip.

Estimated Total Uselessness - three weeks. The week before the trip. The week of the trip. And the week after the trip where the traipse (traipse - good word) about the office showing you pictures of them being pasty on a beach, in the ocean, in "the best restaurant", of a singer at a crappy tropical-themed bar, in the place they're staying, on the golf course, on the tennis court, and at the world's third-biggest ball of twine.

How to deal with them - Avoid them at all costs, if you can. If you can't, start playing a little Jimmy Buffett near them to perk them back up before the trip. BUT BE ADVISED: Playing Buffett after the trip will get them depressed in a hurry.

New Baby Zombie
Signs - They are unshaven/unkempt. They are happy... ish. They have new pictures on the cube wall. They show up to work fifteen minutes late every day. They just had a new baby. Getting used to the new tyke's sleeping routine is killing everyone.

Oh, and they'll be caught doing this on occasion.

Estimated Total Uselessness - depending on colic, three to eighteen months. But I have a theory that these folks become the people at work that discover coffee and drink it fifteen times a day.

How to deal with them - Ask a question about their new kid, pretend to listen to their answer. This should perk them back up to get a coherent answer out of them. Failing that, offer them another cup of coffee... even if they already have a fresh cup.

Engaged Zombie
Signs - Typically female, the engaged zombie occur is there stages... 1) HE POPPED THE QUESTION (complete the the necessary jumping up and down and shiny ring dangling). 2) Planning the wedding (and avoiding work at all costs to make sure that bitch at the flower store knows what stargazer lilies are). 3) The post-honeymoon time when you get regaled with stories about a place you'll probably never go. Each stage involves, muttering to themselves, yelling at someone on a phone, ignoring non-wedding activities, ignoring fiances, crying, and talking to co-workers about wedding stuff until the co-workers head explodes.

I don't give a shit about the new project, I care about which of you pinheads are sitting with Crazy Uncle Larry!

Estimated Total Uselessness - The length of the engagement until the first married fight. (DAMMIT, HE'S GOING TO SWITCH TO TIDE DETERGENT IF I HAVE TO START SLIPPING IT INTO HIS FOOD! F*CK CHEER!). Then she'll return to work until they enter New Baby Zombie Mode or Divorce Zombie Mode.

What returns the Engaged Zombie back to a co-worker.

How to deal with them - Uh...... You can't. You just can't.

The Divorce Zombie
Signs - They walk around angry, confused, and muttering to themselves. They will find a way to turn a work conversation into a three-hour soon-to-be-ex bitching session. And you start trying to find a way to walk to the restroom without going by their office. This means that you climb through the ceiling to the roof, repell down the side of the building, re-enter through the front door, and get to the restroom (returning to the cube through the duct system in the restroom).

So you agree that my wife should not have taken the casserole dishes? Great! Let me tell you about her taking the waffle iron!
Ah! Sticking your pen in your temple. My soon-to-be-ex wife makes me want to do that too. The Bitch!

Estimated Total Uselessness - the length of the divorce proceedings (regardless of length). Or until he picks up the office whoo-ore and they start humping in the office supply closet. Here's hoping you're stocked up on pens.

How to deal with them - Until they invent invisible iPod headphones, you are screwed... very... very screwed. And if they know where your cube is located, you might as well install a trap door.