The Inner Monologue of Somebody Standing in Front of the Vending Machines in the Company Lunch Room

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At 8:45am
OH C'MON!!! I get here a little late and all of the plain bagels are gone. SONOFABITCH!!! Now what am I having for breakfast? I could go with cereal. But that's two purchases: milk and a box of cereal. The only other option is the cinnamon raisin bagel. I hate cinnamon raisin bagels and clearly everyone else in the known world does too.

Then why are the cinnamon raisin bagels even they in the first place? Can't the vending guy see that nobody eats these damn things?!?!?!?!

Exactly zero people eat these.

What if I snuck over to the Starbucks across the street? Would anyone notice? I could just go downstairs, across the street, order a decent cup of coffee and a scone and get back to my cube. Scones are good. At least Starbucks scones are good. Scones are typically British. I wonder how authentic scones are. If I knew anyone British, I could ask. But I don't.

Ugh! In the amount of time it took me to be angry about the bagel situation, I could have been to Starbucks, gotten my latte and scone, and gotten back to my desk.

But what would the boss think? Or the nose whistler? Wait! Did they have a meeting this morning? THEY DID! Starbucks it is!

At 3:30pm
Am I really hungry? Or just freaking bored? Tough call. I'm glad I'm up and away from the nose whistler. Seriously, does that guy not notice that he has a kazoo growing out of the front of his face?

What am I getting? Sweet or salty? What are the salty options? Pretzels? Healthy but BORING. Combos? Good... but... what is that cheese stuff made of anyway. Not to mention that I'm not risky what happen the last time I went with C7 as my selection. I had to buy two bags of Tater Skins. I didn't even really want Tater Skins, I was just shocked that they still existed. Maybe they were from a very old box from years and years ago that some warehouse guy decided to just give to us...

Do these even still exist?

How do they even pick what goes in here, anyway? Do we just have that Pork Rind look as a company? I have never seen anyone actually eat a bag of these things around here (or anywhere really). Seriously, does the guy who eats pork rinds also eat cinnamon raisin bagels? This is starting to bother me...

Heh heh... FUN-YUNS!

OK, maybe it's a sweet snack then. Candy bars just LOOK weird to eat. They kind of look like poop and you look semi-uncivilized when you eat them. Wasn't that the point of a Seinfeld episode? I feel like it was. Seinfeld! That was a funny show, but the re-runs on TV right now are starting to look a bit dated. Was Elaine cute? She looks much cuter now than she did back then. Didn't I hear somewhere that she has money? Like a lot of money...

Speaking of a lot of money, am I really contemplating the purchase of the flavored sugary wax better known as Twizzlers for 85-damn-cents? I could go to the grocery store and buy ten of these for four bucks. I should do that. Not with Twizzlers though. F*ck Twizzlers! But with something.

OK, OK, OK... To hell with it. Peanut M&M's is it. Solid choice... some protein. I'm feeling good about this. And slot D9 never let me down. F*ck C7.