An Open Letter to The Guy in The Office that Wears Way Too Much Cologne

Dear Cologne Guy --

I have a three theories about you that I would like to try out. One, is that you do not live in a dwelling that has a shower. Yet, for reasons defying total logic, you seem to have an unlimited supply of cologne. And to make up for the fact that you do not possess a shower (and that you frequently run for miles and miles in manure as a bizarre training ritual to compete in the Triathlon of Feces), you cover yourself in $1.99 per gallon cologne. Two, you lost the ability to smell in a tragically stupid accident where you were trying to gain superhero powers. Desperate to smell anything, you coat yourself in gallons of cologne just to get a faint whiff of anything in your nostrils. Three, you have a suicidal wish to light yourself on fire, and you can't find a match.

Either way, you are killing me. Scratch that. You are killing us (your co-workers). Plants wilt when you walk by. I can smell when you've been down a hallway forty-five minutes after you've been there. In meetings, there is a reason that the other ten people in the conference room collect at one end of the table. It's because the bucket of cologne you dump on your head makes everyone gag and makes our eyes water.

So please do the following two steps: 1) switch to a different cologne, preferably one that isn't for sales in a five-gallon bucket; 2) shower regularly.

Sincerely,
The other 99.9% of the people you work with