More Characters from Work

Thanks to HR Underling (Good blog, by the way) for giving me a new character at work... I Need Your Advice Guy/Gal.

I Need Your Advice Guy/Gal - This person speak in loose generalities about a situation with a co-worker who they refuse to name that they need your advice on. But really they want to either gossip or tattle. They'll just say that there is someone on the fourth-floor in accounting who has a cubicle near the copier who happens to be using the printer across the hall from there cubicle to print personal stuff out. And how you, as the HR person (they make it a point to throw that in there), would handle this situation.

How would you handle a situation involving someone I hate doing something I find annoying, who may-or-may-not be wearing a green shirt over my left shoulder?

You: "Ya mean, so-and-so."
INYAG: (acting coolly) "I'm not saying who it is. Just know that they drive a blue SUV and have fuzzy dice hanging on the mirror."

The Police - This person is the person that has somehow memorized every policy/rule/posting/email/saying/phrase/TLA/and random conversation that has ever happened at work. They don't work in HR, but they are happy to point out that in 2006 the company said that mega-casual wear was acceptable on Fridays during the summer provided you aren't meeting with a client, and they changed their minds in 2007. But they are thinking about bringing in 2009, but until then, you wearing capri pants shouldn't be acceptable. You didn't ask this to The Police, you simply selected clothing and wore it.

The Police are particularly sensitive during the holidays where word is going around the department of who wants to take time off. When you jump into the fray with what you would like to take off, The Police will quickly point out that your department requires that 50% of the people in that department are at work every day, and that vacation days are given based on date of request and seniority.

The Police also wonders why he/she never gets asked to go to lunch with a group of people. And also wonders who just hit CTRL+ALT+down arrow to turn their screen upside down again (they've forgotten how to fix the problem).

(BTW, that seriously works! I discovered it by accident, awesome workplace practical joke. CTRL+ALT+up arrow undoes it. Right and left arrow really mess with you head!).

The Auctioneer - HR people know this person well. This is the person who recently received some sort of discipline (write-up, suspension, termination, stern talking to, being locked in a closet for three days without light, food, water, or toilet). And they decided that the need to talk to HR about what happened.

What generally happens next, if the employee feels as though they were the innocent victim of circumstance - or just an idiot - is that The Auctioneer will visit his friendly HR rep. He'll sit down, smile, temporarily be impressed with himself that he is sitting in an office with the HR person, and then start talking... and talking... and talking... and talking. The hope for The Auctioneer is that he will somehow put together the exact right combination of words that will make the HR person go, "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Well then, not only should you not have had a brief conversation with your boss about your quality of work, but he's now fired, and his boss is now fired, you are promoted and I'm combining you salary with theirs and paying that to you."

Free Pass -- Free Pass is the person who - for zero discernible reason, other than being liked at work, by everyone (well, everyone important,) - has dumb bad luck, and nothing bad seems to happen to them.

Example, FreePass goes on vacation to a remote location that has one flight a week from where you live. FreePass's flight gets cancelled coming back, so they get to stay on vacation for another week and come back to work. They smile, tell their story. And they don't get docked vacation days, or pay. Because, that's something that just happens to Free Pass, and we all like Free Pass

But you have a flight rain out, and are forced to stay an extra day in the airport hotel the smells like cigarettes, sadness, and shame, and TheBoss rolls his eyes when you return and docks you the day.