The Truth About Job Descriptions

While looking for jobs, I come across a lot of the same language in job descriptions. For instance, "self-starter" means this, "as your boss, I full intend on hiring you and forgetting about you shortly after you first day of work. It took me three weeks to figure out the last guy quit."

"self-motivated" means this, "I don't give out complements, so if I don't tell you to F off, consider that my way of saying that you are doing a good job."

"dynamic personality" means, "when you aren't doing your job, you'll be washing my car, sweeping floors, and selling our stuff."

"self-directed" means, "I don't now what your job should be, so you should just do it."

"strong communication skills" means, "Don't grunt like a caveman, or write in crayon."

"must be able to work independently" means, "I'm sticking you in the basement with three people: the guy smells like he hasn't heard of a shower, that idiot my daughter married, and the girl who cried at work for three straight days, and creeped out the whole office."

"performs other duties as assigned," means, "Listen, I have no clue as to what to write for the rest of this job description. If I need other stuff at some point, so I'll let you know what those will be. This may or may not include being my chauffeur, swearing things under oath in a court of law, fighting a bear, or lending my your urine to pass a test that I might be randomly selected for."

"special projects," means, "there will be a day when I decide to give you a project that has zero to do with your actual job. Don't kid yourself, it's not a special project, unless 'special' means, insulting your intelligence, or not important at all."